30 Day Art Challenge Days 11-14

Once again, I find myself playing catch-up.
But I am finally over the wicked cold, and hopefully I can keep myself on a schedule.
Without further ado, Here is the continuation of the 30 Day Art Challenge:
To recap:
 30 Day Art Challenge

1. Flight 
2. Dreams or Dreamscape 
3. Darkness 
4. Character 
5. Love 
6. Motherhood 
7. Nature 
8. Movement 
9. Astrology 
10. Harmony 
11. Technology 
12. Lightness 
13. Water 
14. Sweet 
15. Out of Time 
16. Reflections 
17. Purity 
18. Solitude 
19. Freedom 
20. Joy 
21. Mystery 
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy 
24. Companion 
25. Abstract 
26. Modern 
27. Wish 
28. Happiness 
29. Comfort 
30. Self 

So I have 4 to get through today.
Day 11 - Technology.

This one was hard.  The first piece I did was a take on Medusa with USB cables instead of snakes as hair, however after the third person asked me what was on her head, I changed tactics.  I still think Medusa is a decent idea.
I had also sketched out a cartoon with a cellphone instead of a head, but that one terrified my daughter, so I went with plan c.

Technology, Digital Drawing

This drawing was done on my cellphone using a free app called PaperDraw.  I don't have a stylus, so I had to use my finger.  After several failed attempts at smooth lines using my finger on my rather cheap cell, I decided to just go with what works.

The convergence of art and technology.  I might investigate the app a bit more.  It might be worth it to keep sketch or concept ideas on the phone.  I am a bit old fashioned still, though.  I like my paper journals.

Next, Day 12 - Lightness.
Ok, Light.
So, on this one, I went dark.   The light for me really contrasts with the darkness around it.

Enchanted, Soft Pastels on Paper

It felt like a fairy tale.  I will probably use this idea to illustrate my daughter's story that she is diligently working on.

Day 13 - Water

I got home super late the other night, and realized that not only had i not done my sketch, but most of my art supplies were left at my mom's house. (I had so many good intentions when I packed that bag)...  Instead I spent four hours grooming the dog and didn't draw a thing. Granted he is an awfully cute dog, especially when he is clean and clipped.

Time Stealing Dog -- Still a cutie.

So I used my daughter's supplies (with her permission).

Water, Soft Pastels on Paper

For this one, I followed an online tutorial.  It was fun.  I have never drawn anything like that before.

I was a bit more limited because I didn't have all of the colors I normally would, but I do like the way it came out, even without my own supplies.  Honestly I will definitely work on this style a bit to see what else I can get.

Day 14 - Sweet

Initially I had wanted to draw a piece of highly detailed candy, all of the contours and colors... but my mind went to another interpretation of sweet.

Again, online tutorials are my friend.  I will find links and post them below when I am at my home computer.

Sweet, Oil Pastels and Colored Pencils on Paper

Now when I look at this image, especially after the day I had, I want to jump in and sit on that swing in the moonlight.  I also want to get another kitten, but that is a subject for another day.

So there we go.  All caught up again.
Tomorrow, Day 15!  Half way!!!

Out of time.  (OK... that is going to be a challenge.....)

30 Day Art Challenge - the catch up post

So, I have been lax about keeping up with my blog.  I have kept up with my challenge, but not the blog itself.  This cold has really sucker punched me.

But this has given me a chance to really think about what this blog is supposed to be.  I started it without a clear vision of what it can and should be.   I have a lot of things on my mind, and I have a lot on my plate, so I need to take some time to focus on one thing at a time.

So this blog is going to be the home for my art.  For inspirations, for tutorials (as much as I can), for inspirations from other artists.  I have seen so many amazing things across the web, that I want to focus my efforts on this one front.  (Other things may come at a later time, but for now, I have just a few hours in my week that are free...  )

For the next several days, I have my art challenge to complete. 

 30 Day Art Challenge

1. Flight 
2. Dreams or Dreamscape 
3. Darkness 
4. Character 
5. Love 
6. Motherhood 
7. Nature 
8. Movement 
9. Astrology 
10. Harmony 
11. Technology 
12. Lightness 
13. Water 
14. Sweet 
15. Out of Time 
16. Reflections 
17. Purity 
18. Solitude 
19. Freedom 
20. Joy 
21. Mystery 
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy 
24. Companion 
25. Abstract 
26. Modern 
27. Wish 
28. Happiness 
29. Comfort 
30. Self 

Wow. I did fall behind, didn't I?  Well, without further ado, here are the missing days and a bit of info on each.

Day 6 - Motherhood.

Motherhood, Soft Pastels on Paper.

When trying to figure out how to represent the idea of motherhood in art, I wanted to keep it universal and graphic.  I didn't want to represent just one aspect of motherhood or seem to limit my subject by color or nationality.  Motherhood is universal and as such deserves a universal symbol.

This is based on a clip art idea that i had seen ages ago.  I used black paper so that the colors would really be bold.  I tend to either use a ton of color, or go stark with all black or white.  I chose soft pastels because they can be so vivid and bright, and because they blend so seamlessly.

To get the framed effect, I played with the masking tape on the paper, adding a second layer to protect the sheet underneath from smudges.

Next we have to move on to Day 7, Nature.

Nature, Mixed Media

This piece nearly killed me.  I had this idea to do a water color turtle which I really, really love, and I wanted to do it under water with these big splashes of watercolor in blues and teals and greens.

My turtle became a lesson in "Have the right materials for the job".  While I can do fine work with my one little watercolor brush (which frankly is the sketching brush that came with my pallet), I really needed a large brush designed specifically for watercolor in order to achieve the look I had envisioned in my mind.  I absolutely hated it.  But I still loved the turtle..

So I decided to try to save it by coloring the background.  Again, right material for the job would have helped me enormously here.  Having some really awesome art markers or even a decent sharpie might have saved me the aggravation.  Instead I used pastels (because my supply chest is rather limited at the moment).  Instead of the vibrant water I had in my head, it looked muddy, like he was swimming in a swamp drawn my my seven year old.  

Of course, I still loved my turtle, and I had spent so much time getting that shell just right.  I absolutely refused to abandon it.  

Enter my chest of jewelry making supplies, some adhesive and a piece of black paper.  I believe that I saved it enough that I can once again be proud of the piece.  I do need to trim the edges a bit more (one of my lovely children has broken my decent scissors, so I was forced to use safety scissors on thick watercolor paper.  Once again, have the right materials for the job.)

Moving on.. 

Day 8 - Movement.

Movement Soft Pastels on Paper

This is not my best.  There are several things that I would change if I could.  At this point I believe that the cold was winning and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I like the concept though, and I really love the hand reaching out from under the sand on the top of the hour glass. 

I may redo this one at some point and take a lot more time with it.

This brings me to Day 9, Astrology

Astrology, Watercolor, Colored Pencils and Acrylics on Paper

There are a number of things that I liked on this piece.  I love the way her complexion came out using the watercolors.  This is the first time I have really tried to use the watercolors to paint a person.  I think I need some more practice, but I plan to try this again.

I love the background too, but I think I am way too afraid of using black to convey a universe theme.  I need to play with that idea more so that I can get the right balance.

And finally, Day 10 Harmony

Harmony, Colored Pencils on Paper

This is one of my favorite pieces.  I took the theme of Harmony and decided that I would play it two ways.  The first is obvious, a violin (harmony, music -duh!)  The second is the idea of colors in harmony with one another in circles (which are very harmonious shapes!).  (Perfect circles in my mind, but not in practice - hey! I only have 45 minutes or so for each piece).

I used shades of blue and violet for the body of the instrument, greens for the neck and strings, and reds and corals for the background.  There are no lines in this image.  The shape comes from the color groupings alone.  I love this idea.

I shaded each circle to give it a more dimensional effect.  Given more time, I might have made the circles smaller (and more perfect - because perfectionist).  I would also have burnished them to give them that velvety smooth sheen that colored pencil drawings often have.  I think having that difference in texture between the paper with no color and the bright circles with their burnished sheen would take this piece that one step further.  I am definitely going to try this style again.  I really really enjoyed this.

That's it - all caught up. 

Tomorrow, Technology.

Oh boy.  That one is going to be tough.

30 Day Art Challenge, Day 5 - Love

This cold will not leave. So I am keeping it short today.

 30 Day Art Challenge

1. Flight 
2. Dreams or Dreamscape 
3. Darkness 
4. Character 
5. Love 
6. Motherhood 
7. Nature 
8. Movement 
9. Astrology 
10. Harmony 
11. Technology 
12. Lightness 
13. Water 
14. Sweet 
15. Out of Time 
16. Reflections 
17. Purity 
18. Solitude 
19. Freedom 
20. Joy 
21. Mystery 
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy 
24. Companion 
25. Abstract 
26. Modern 
27. Wish 
28. Happiness 
29. Comfort 
30. Self 

Love.

Today's piece is inspired by my son and his disgusting ratty stuffed panda. (I mean this thing stinks! It is grey and tattered, the black fur around his eyes has worn off so the stuffed animal looks permanently surprised.... You know what? I am going to include the inspiration too... Because there are no words.)

But if you were to ask him what he sees when he looks at his panda, he will tell you that he is a majestic beast, roaming the apartment when we are gone, frequently taking trips to his native China to lounge in a bamboo forest. He sees beauty and majesty where most people see nothing but a stuffed toy that has seen better days.

And that, my friends is love. When you love someone so much that you only see their beauty and are blind to their tattered edges, that is the purest affection. May we all see the world with his eyes.

 30 Days of Art, Day 5 - Love, watercolor on paper.

Love, Watercolor on paper

Panda Express, Adventurer and Friend

Tomorrow is Motherhood, which to me is just an extension of the theme of love.

30 Day Art Challenge, Day 4 - Character

I have been sick as a dog for the past few days.  This head cold is threatening to do me in, but I am persisting. (I am nothing if not persistent.)

Today is Day 4 of the 30 Day Art Challenge.

30 Day Art Challenge:

1. Flight
2. Dreams or Dreamscape
3. Darkness
4. Character
5. Love
6. Motherhood
7. Nature
8. Movement
9. Astrology
10. Harmony
11. Technology
12. Lightness
13. Water
14. Sweet
15. Out of Time
16. Reflections
17. Purity
18. Solitude
19. Freedom
20. Joy
21. Mystery
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy
24. Companion
25. Abstract
26. Modern
27. Wish
28. Happiness
29. Comfort
30. Self

Character.  

Nothing heavy, or soul sapping today.  Just, character.

Of course, like all things, there are different ways to interpret this word.  Character can mean the make up of a person; that intangible thing that everyone has that drives them and shapes them into the people that they are.  There are people of stout moral character and those who might be considered shady characters.  There are a million variables,

Next...

Character can mean a shape or form, like a letter.  I could draw a fanciful character like one might see in a medieval book, painstakingly drawn by artists who likely couldn't even read.  😲  Maybe not.

Of course when you say character to most people, they immediately think of a character in literature or a play, movies or television.  When I told my kids what today's challenge was, they immediately started shouting out the names of their favorite characters.  (My son and I have one that is the same...  wait for it.)

So, it may have been more challenging to dive into the more intangible definition, or more classically artistic to attempt some kind of calligraphy, I am too sick and too exhausted to think much. 

So of course, I am going to go for a character.  And since it is a quick sketch, it will have to be something more graphic with a lot less realism.  And I think I want to have fun with this.

When you are referencing a character in a drawing, the important things to include are the things that are immediately recognizable about your subject.  If you were drawing Harry Potter, you would need to include his round glasses and his lightening bolt scar.  If you wanted to draw Spock, pointy ears would be a must.  Say you wanted to draw Doctor Who... You can draw the exact same figure with different accessories and change the picture completely.....

Like say, the 11th Doctor...

The Doctor, Colored Pencil on Paper

It's a fez.  I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool.

And the fez (and the bow-tie, if we are being honest) is what makes him immediately identifiable...  If I drew a long endless wildly colored scarf and a fedora instead, different Doctor.  Red-lined black jacket and sunglasses? Different Doctor. Glasses, pinstripe suit and chucks? Different Doctor.  Black vest and a blaster at his side - Han Solo.  

You get the idea.

I want to revisit this one again...  Evidence of my exhaustion, I chose the wrong paper for the medium, I got tired after trying to blend, and the pencil lines are glaringly obvious.  I was too tired to trek all the way across the room for a marker to outline him...  There are a dozen little things I would do different, but all in all, not bad for a quick assignment.

Maybe I should do a series of these -- 12 so far...  Hmmm...  At least it would make my fellow geeks happy.

For now, I am glad that I had fun.  I hope you do too.  Art doesn't always have to be so serious, you know.  Sometimes, it should just be fun.

The 30 Day Art Challenge, Day 3 - Darkness

Day 3 is upon us, and I have started the day with a wicked head cold.

Head colds do not leave me.  They hang on and on and on... Eventually they settle in my chest and for the past several years, have landed me in the hospital. 

Every. Stinking. April.

So I am aggressively fighting back against the congestion monster with over the counter decongestant, hot tea with honey and a natural version of Vicks. (Except, I am not using my chest rub at work, because... well, it stinks, unless you are congested...)

Last night, I had a choice to make.  Draw, and draw quickly, or take a one day hiatus two days into my challenge.  I do not want to quit, so I decided I needed to draw quickly.

Here is where we are:
30 Day Art Challenge:

1. Flight
2. Dreams or Dreamscape
3. Darkness
4. Character
5. Love
6. Motherhood
7. Nature
8. Movement
9. Astrology
10. Harmony
11. Technology
12. Lightness
13. Water
14. Sweet
15. Out of Time
16. Reflections
17. Purity
18. Solitude
19. Freedom
20. Joy
21. Mystery
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy
24. Companion
25. Abstract
26. Modern
27. Wish
28. Happiness
29. Comfort
30. Self

Darkness.  

Awesome.  It may be inadvisable to confront your demons when hopped up on decongestants and generally feeling like a limp noodle.

If you have read my first blog entry, or if you know me at all, you know that while art has always been a part of my life, it has taken on a new importance since the sudden death of my husband.  Art has been the analgesic that has allowed me to fight past the darkness that can overwhelm me at times.  I have used art to sketch out my feelings, to find some beauty in what had become an exceedingly painful reality.

(An aside, if you will...  There are a few voices I can hear in my head right now positively screeching at me some variation of "What about your children?!!??!"  - Yes, my children are beautiful, and yes, my children are the best balm there is... but... we are ALL going through our own grief, and I knew that if I could not find my way out without relying solely on them, we would all get lost...  So if you are reading this, cut me some slack, would ya? -- Rant over.)

So here I am, confronting darkness in art.

I thought about something really trite, like a night sky, or a moon... maybe a candle lighting a dark room.  But, 1) I am trying to stretch myself, and 2) I was really feeling like I needed to lay down very quickly, so I decided to stop dancing around the idea and confront it head on.

Darkness is not just a physical absence of light.  It is not a dark room, or a place where you can flip on a switch and banish it for good.  For me, darkness is chaos.  It is that feeling of uncontrollable falling.  It is the sound of fresh grief bouncing off the walls of my mother's house.  It is the unfathomable look of sadness in the eyes of my children, with no way to ease their pain.  Darkness can consume you if you are not careful, and I am the first to admit that it has at times come very close to swallowing me whole.

Darkness is feeling like you are falling out of your skin, like you can make no sense, like you can see no light.  There is nothing but a jumbled, horrible void, and your voice becomes a very tiny fragment in a very big chasm.  There is a way out, always, but it is not always easy to find, and if you stay too long, eventually you will stop looking.

All of this.

There have been various parts of my life where I have felt Darkness try to envelop me.  I have gone through things that I know could have bested me, but I have always come out on top.  Last year was the closest I have ever come to having that inky blackness become permanent.

This is how I felt:

Darkness Colored Pencils on Paper

Yes, she still has her color, and there is a small point of light in her eyes, but she is made up of chaos, and she could fly apart at any moment.

Thankfully, she is there to keep me from joining her, standing as a silent sentinel keeping me from losing my way in a place so dark nothing can escape.

The 30 Day Art Challenge Day 2 - Dreams

I survived day one, and I have to say, I enjoyed my hummingbird. Today, though took me some time to work out

Today's theme is Dreams.  30-45 minutes. Draw something that matches the theme. Use the first idea that comes to mind. (Do NOT overthink!)

30 Day Art Challenge:

1. Flight
2. Dreams or Dreamscape
3. Darkness
4. Character
5. Love
6. Motherhood
7. Nature
8. Movement
9. Astrology
10. Harmony
11. Technology
12. Lightness
13. Water
14. Sweet
15. Out of Time
16. Reflections
17. Purity
18. Solitude
19. Freedom
20. Joy
21. Mystery
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy
24. Companion
25. Abstract
26. Modern
27. Wish
28. Happiness
29. Comfort
30. Self

Dreams. Seems simple enough.

I mean, everyone dreams right?

But how do you convey a dream in art? Sweeping mythical landscapes? Escher-like architecture that couldn't possibly exist in life? Melting clocks? Giant floating islands among sweeping clouds?

First of all, these are supposed to be simple studies, not masterpiece level works. And while I can achieve realism (given a LOT of time), I will never be MC Escher, or Dali, or Magritte. 

I needed something that fits my style now. Colorful, simple, elements of primitive...

I think a lot about dreams, believe it or not. When I was a high school adolescent first learning about Freud I became obsessed about learning more about the subconscious mind.  I read all sorts of books about dreams and dream interpretation. Common symbols, and what they might mean.

And dreams can be anything. They can be dark or light, funny or frightening, realistic or so confusing they leave you reeling for days.

Of course, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Then there is the other meaning. Dreams, not as a communication from your subconscious mind, but as desire.  Some people dream of a big house or lots of money.  My dreams tend to be less pedestrian and lean more towards romantic notions of what life can be.

I dream of being a writer.

I dream of being an artist.

I dream of being the architect of my own future.

(Of course, money and a big house would also be nice...)

How do you draw ambition?

I had a feeling I was over thinking things...

Really, there isn't anything that a dream can't be. And that is what makes dreams so amazing. They have no limits, only your imagination, and mine is absolutely infinite in scope. Just like the universe.

Dreams, Colored pencils and acrylic on paper

My dreams can't be contained by a single thought or idea. 

I prefer it that way.

Tomorrow... Ooohhhhh.... Darkness.
Alrighty then

30 Days of Color (The 30 Day Art Challenge) Day 1

Since my life changed dramatically last year, I have been on a journey of sorts.  When you hit rock bottom, the only thing to do is build something new, something stronger.  The rock is the foundation, and the only limits are of your own imaginings.

So I found myself at forty-two years of age, starting life over.

I have done a number of things on this journey.  I have started living healthier and losing weight.  Life is too short to be bogged down with bogus health issues.  Not when some of them are completely within my control.  I have started engaging more on social media, keeping and maintaining connections to my friends, and making new connections.  I have reached out and found new connections to my mother's family, which is one of the most amazing and tremendous things I have discovered.   I have learned that I have cousins that share my world view as well as my bloodline and family history.

I started this blog, and have been writing every single day (not just here, but on project that I had been putting off because "Something more important" was always coming up.)

And I have rediscovered my life in art.

I used to draw.  All. The. Time.  I had sketchbooks on top of sketchbooks.  I doodled and sketched and painted.  I sculpted and learned to make things with wire (like jewelry).  I always had art as a part of my life.

Then I let life get me.  I let the negatives and the sadness and the stress erase the substance of who I am until all that was left was a vague outline.  All of the dimension was gone.

It took my grief to snap me back into myself.

I turned to art as therapy, and in an effort to no longer hide myself, I began putting things out for everyone to see.  To my amazement, people responded positively.  And then something unbelievable happened.

I sold a drawing.  A drawing done by my little hands with pastels on paper.  Something that did not exist until I created it was wanted enough by someone else that they spent their own money to get it.

Real, spendable money.

This had to be a fluke.  No one else is ever going to want to purchase something that I have made.

Then the second piece sold.

You could have knocked me over with a feather.

So now I have this thing that I love, this thing that is so much a part of me that I could no more separate it from myself than I could detach my own head, and this thing has the potential to make money?

Get out of town!

I buckled down and drew more.  I put out more pieces.  I drew and drew and drew...

And then I realized that what I was drawing wasn't exactly resonating with me the way I wanted them to.  I felt that voice of self doubt creep in.  I have to stomp it out.  I have to silence that tiny fiend or I know I will let this go, just like I did before.  I am not living that life any more.  I will not, I cannot.  Not today, sister.

So I decided to stretch my boundaries.  I am working on a 30 day art challenge.  Every day I am going to draw something new... the object is to spend no more than 30-45 minutes on a piece, to push your own boundaries, and to work with the first thing that comes to your mind.

There were several variations on this idea out there on the web, and I decided, like all things, that I had to be different.  The kids helped me come up with words and ideas, and we pulled them out of a hat. (A literal hat).

The 30 Day Art Challenge - Ala Dawn

1. Flight
2. Dreams or Dreamscape
3. Darkness
4. Character
5. Love
6. Motherhood
7. Nature
8. Movement
9. Astrology
10. Harmony
11. Technology
12. Lightness
13. Water
14. Sweet
15. Out of Time
16. Reflections
17. Purity
18. Solitude
19. Freedom
20. Joy
21. Mystery
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy
24. Companion
25. Abstract
26. Modern
27. Wish
28. Happiness
29. Comfort
30. Self

Day one was Flight.  A perfect start.  My life is taking off.  I have wings. I can reach the sun.

Flight, Watercolor and Colored Pencils on paper.

It may have been literal, but it pushed me.  I have never drawn a bird before, much less a bird in flight.

My mother puts out nectar for the hummingbirds.  

I never tire of watching them fly.

Tomorrow, I get to paint my dreams.

It's More Afraid of You and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves

I am a liar.

I tell the same lie to myself daily.  I tell it to my family, my friends, my kids, and everyone who reads my posts. 

I tell myself that other opinions do not matter, and that I don't need validation from anyone.

Hang on, my pants caught fire.

OK.  Better.

I know why we tell ourselves that, at least I know why I tell myself that big fat falsehood.  It is because I want it to be true.  I don't want to hang my hat on the standards of other people.  I want to move through my life, happily enjoying who I am and what I am about without looking for validation anyplace else.  I want my kids to grow up completely fulfilled without needing someone else to tell them that they are ok.

I want that so badly.

But it isn't true, is it?  At least not 100%.  I put on makeup before I leave the house every single time.  No matter where I am going.  Work? Make-up.  Play date for the kids? Make-up. Grocery Store? You had better believe make-up.  I never used to, but then one day someone (that I love and I presume loves me) told me that I looked old.  Ever since that day, no one has seen me without make-up on, except for my kids.  (Believe me, make-up is not always pleasant in Las Vegas where I would swear you could burst into flames in the summertime.)  

You might think that this isn't a big deal, lots of women do it.  Exactly! Lots of women (though not all) make sure to never leave their house without at least a minimum of cosmetics.  Why do we do this if we don't care about what other people think?

You want another example?  Social. Media. Everything from Facebook and Instagram, twitter and even this blog. They are all cries for attention:

Like me!
Like my photos!
Like the photo of my expensive dinner!
Look how awesome my life is!
Validate me!

Validate!

I feel like a Dalek (if you don't watch Doctor Who, this will make no sense.  Everyone else is now hearing a metallic voice in their head crying Val-i-date! Val-i-date!)

So even though I say that I don't care what people think of me, even though I really want to believe that about myself, evidence suggests that in actuality, I do.

This is especially true of creative artist types, like I aspire to be am.  I draw and paint and write and everytime I share something, I hold my breath to see if anyone is going to like it... Every thumbs up or heart that I get is like those gold foil stars that teachers used to hand out in school.  I lived my life trying to collect as many gold foil stars as I could.  Little has changed.

I have worked so hard to develop my own view and style, and I know that it is different than what most other people do.  On one hand, this is amazing, because it means that I have my own voice.  On the other hand, this is terrifying because I have no idea how my drawings or paintings will be received.  Will people respond positively, or will I get criticized because my figures are not realistic.  This thought alone is enough to almost paralyze me.  Some days I have to close my eyes to hit the Share button.  Then I hold my breath and wait.

I can tell you that I have received all kinds of feedback.  Some people really like what I put out there (though there are a few that I suspect like my art because of friendship or familial loyalty only, and don't really respond to the art itself).  And then there are those who are indifferent, will passively click like out of habit, or ignore it altogether.  Neither of these bother me. (and of course, the likes and loves make me feel absolutely amazing.)

Then there is the other kind.  Not kind words, not gentle critique, not even ignoring me completely, but the scathing tear you down kind of comments that make me want to burn everything I have ever painted and never go near a pastel again.  

"It's not really art, is it?"

"What is it supposed to be?"

"Can you even draw?"

"You should probably not share these.  They aren't that good."

I deleted a friend over the last comment, but not before I seriously considered deleting all of my art and throwing away every pencil in my house.

Why do you let it get to you, Dawn?  Why can't you just thumb your nose at these fools and just continue to be awesome on your own terms?

Why?  I will tell you why...  Because my inner critic is a real ass.  My little voice is far harsher and more critical than anyone else could ever be.  The little voice inside of me tells me that I can't draw, I can't write, and I might as well settle in for a long career of mediocrity because that is all I am good for.  All it takes is one person to agree with critical Dawn for me to walk away and give up.

Ask me why I don't play music any more...  Because a music teacher that I very much admired (no names will be mentioned, but she was an instructor in college) once told me that I wasn't very good and I wouldn't amount to much.  At 19, I took those words to heart. From that moment on, every time I picked up my instrument, I could hear those words echoing in my mind, undermining my confidence, triggering all of my insecurities.   It took a few years, but I never was able to progress past that level.  Most likely because I no longer believed I could.

I will be damned if I am going to let that happen to me again.

My knee-jerk reaction is to defend myself and my skills (Actually, I can draw realistically, but I choose not to because this is the way I choose to see the world now...  Actually, I feel that the particular techniques I am using take quite a bit of practice and restraint that it took me a long time to learn... Actually, I produce these paintings for my own satisfaction and I don't need your approval.)

My second reaction is to slink off and take my art with me, to hide it away and just pretend it didn't really exist in the first place.

The third reaction is what I try to do every time.  Ignore the negativity of some people and move on to the next piece, sharing what I love and moving on, as though those negative opinions didn't matter to me (even though, deep down they do.)

I will just leave you with one thought.  If your initial reaction is to tell someone that they can't do something, maybe swallow it.  No one is perfect, and no one really wants to hear unconstructive criticism.

It is just plain mean, like a bully on a playground.  Don't be that kid.  If you don't have anything nice to say, etc.

Kiss, Soft Pastels on paper

But since I can't control anyone but myself, I will try to remember the words of Pink.  I will continue to do me, and if you don't like it, you can Blow Me (One Last Kiss).

Serenity Now

Serenity is elusive.

Especially if you have two kids.

I have uttered phrases as a mother that in my pre-child life would have made me look like a crazy person.  Now, they just make me feel like a crazy person.

"Don't hit your sister with a dump truck!"
"Are you licking his feet?"
"Why is this damp?"
"Who smeared peanut butter on this pillow case?"
"Stop calling your brother 'Jeeves'! He is not your butler!"

And on and on and on. And on.

Some days I have to call my mother and apologize for being 7...  Some days I want to call my brother and apologize for the time I hit him with a chair.  (An incident my mother caught on tape.)  Of course, then I remember that he gave as good as he got.

And as I write this, I can hear a fight erupting in the other room...

Serenity now.

I want need desperately need a vacation.

At the very least, I would like to take a long uninterrupted bath.  Some days I would settle for the ability to pee without hearing "MOM!" echoing across the abyss.

I am a single mother, and there are days I would absolutely kill for a smallish break.  Today included.

I never really understood how hard a single parent (mom or dad) has it in this world until I became one.  There are things that I took for granted when my husband was around.  Things like someone else to get the fifth glass of milk, or check the closet for monsters, or be the disciplinarian.

Nowadays, I wear all the hats.  I am the fixer of things, the kisser of boo-boos, the goofy one, the strict one, the grounder and taker of privileges, the cool play hooky parent.  I am constantly amazed by my own ability to adapt and change and roll with the punches.  Even when one child is literally punching the other.

Serenity now.

When I had a partner to help, I sometimes fell victim to the hyperbole that affects all of us from time to time.  I would absolutely lament when he would go on a trip, or be out of the house for one reason or another.  I would cry and whine to everyone how hard it was to be alone.  How I felt like a single mom.

If this me could go back in time and just slap some sense into that me.

Kiddos, if you have a partner, even if they are out of town a LOT, even if they work insanely crazy hours and it seems like you NEVER see them, you are still NOT a single mom.  Not even close.

I would like your indulgence to explain, because I feel like my friends are going to take offense.  Because some of you have had that same lament.  Some of you have posted about your temporary single parent status because you want all of us to applaud your selflessness in the face of the worst kind of adversity imaginable because your partner is OUT OF TOWN!

I know how that feels. Remember, I was you.  I really really was.  I am embarrassed now to admit it.  But I was you.  I thought I understood how hard it must be for a single mom.

Girlfriend, no.  Just no.

You still have your partner!  You still have their emotional and financial support.  You can call them and complain about how your children turned into little monsters and you will get a sympathetic ear.  You can call them and tell them a funny thing that junior did that no one else on this earth would care about and you will get, at the very least an appreciative chuckle.

Do you know what I get?  Crickets.

The most important thing that I need you to remember is that you have an end date.  You can circle a date on the calendar no matter how far into the future that says that the other parent is coming back.

For me, and for a lot of other single parents out there, there is no end.  It just goes on and on and on.  And on.  And on.

For real.  The only time I am alone is when I am driving to work or home.  After that, it is kids kids and more kids.  I make kid friendly meals and see kid friendly movies and watch kid friendly television.  We go to kid friendly activities.  I do not adult anymore.  I don't have the time or the resources.  I have no second income, no support.  Just little ol' me and my little ol' check and my little ol' time.

One day I told my parents (married for 48 years) how I felt, and I joked that I really needed a break.  (Ok, it was half joke.  The other half was me crossing my fingers that they would agree to take the kids for the weekend and spot me gas money so that I could drive my ass to the coast and drink with my brother...  This did not happen.)

My dad looked at me and said "Your mother and I never got a break.  You went every place that we went."

First of all, no.  I remember being left in the care of my grandmother or aunt while my parents went someplace adult.  Second of all, I really just need an evening to not have someone getting sticky shit on my good work shoes.  I would like 2 hours to go to a salon and get my hair done.  45 minutes for a coffee and doughnut that I don't have to share, and a grown up movie at a theater with MY OWN POPCORN.  Heaven.

What was my point?

Ah.  My point is, if you know a single parent, cut them some slack.  Maybe offer to take their little brats adorable children for an evening so that they can have a glass of wine without having someone knock the glass onto the floor that I just mopped... I swear to all that is holy if you don't stop fighting!

And maybe be thankful for the partnership that you share.  Because it takes a village, and in a village with only one grown up, the children have me out numbered and I could really use an alliance to help restore the balance of power.  (Send help).

For now, I drew my own serenity, since finding it with the children is a near impossible feat.  (Unless they are sleeping, then they are absolutely adorable angels, and can do no wrong.)

Serenity, soft pastels on paper.

Serenity now.

Insanity later.

I am woman. Watch as the men try to explain my roar.

Mansplain.

(of a man) to comment on or explain something to a woman in a condescending, overconfident, and often inaccurate or oversimplified manner.

I absolutely HATE when this happens.

I work in an office of all men.  Mostly millennial young men who I would assume were raised to have put these old fashioned views behind them.

Yeah, no.


Being the only woman, who holds a higher position that most of the men in my department, has been an education in the last remaining vestiges of misogyny.
Let me explain.


If I know the answer to a question, and I answer the question (because, again, I trained most of these men, and I am considered the team expert in many things), I am told that I couldn't possibly know the answer.  My answer is contradicted and  reinterpreted and reexplained. My answer is disregarded and thrown out in favor of what anyone else with a penis has to say.

And if my answer is proven correct?  The menfolk take credit for having known it all along.

I have had some of these men venture over to my desk to ask me a question, only to then go back and check my work.  (Hilariously, they often times use documentation that I have provided to check my answer - thus using my own words to fact check my words...)

I have had them talk over me in meetings.

I have had them ignore me when I do talk.

I have had them go to managers to verify the things I said.

And I have had enough.

What is it about an intelligent woman that makes so many guys defensive?  Does the fact of my intelligence and knowledge some how lessen what you know?  Do you think that estrogen in some way impedes my ability to make rational and intelligent decisions?  Are you afraid of breasts?  What is it?

And why do I have to repeatedly explain why this is wrong and absolutely infuriating?

My daughter was just accepted to the gifted program at school. My son has not been as of this time.  He might be in the future, but she got in first.

I shared this news with my circle of friends, excited mama that I am.  Most of the feedback was absolutely glowing.

Most.

The number of people who tempered their excitement for my daughter with the question "What about your son?" floored me. One person even went so far as to congratulate my son instead, because it was beyond their comprehension that it could have actually been my daughter I was proud of.

Most of my friends are of the progressive/liberal variety.  Most of my friends espouse their tolerance in posts and at marches and through comments on news articles.  Some of my friends are conservative, christian and old fashioned.

It was NOT the conservative friends who messaged me, concerned about my son.

It was not a conservative friend who congratulated my son on what was obviously his accomplishment.

In this day and age, we shouldn't have this tempered view of intelligence.  A woman's brain is no less astute than a man's.  A man is no more suited for intellectualism than a woman.  But here we are in 2018, and some of us are living in the fifties. 

It shouldn't surprise me, but it does.  And it makes me seethe inside for my daughter, because I know how those comments and thoughts can crush the spirit of a little girl.  I was little once too.  There is nothing as hurtful as having someone say "No, let your brother do it." Because he is a boy and you are just a girl.

For years I let it get to me.  I listened when people would say "That is for boys."  I didn't play soccer because it was for boys.  I never took karate.  I let well meaning people tell me that I couldn't or shouldn't do a thing that was too masculine for my little girl body and my little girl brain.  Forget that I was drawn to the boy things.  They were boy things, and I am just a girl.

Well meaning can still be mean.  Never forget that.

But the world is changing (I hope), and I have a daughter whom I love fiercely.  And I have a son that I need to raise to understand that respect has no gender.  I need my children to know that there are no boy things or girl things.  There are just... things.

We should not have to hide who we are because of some antiquated view of what we should be.

Hidden, chalk and charcoal on paper.

She hides only because she has been told that she has to.

She remained silent because she had been expected to.

But do not make the mistake of underestimating her.

She is power. 

She is fierce.

And she will change the world.

One little girl at a time.