Serenity Now

Serenity is elusive.

Especially if you have two kids.

I have uttered phrases as a mother that in my pre-child life would have made me look like a crazy person.  Now, they just make me feel like a crazy person.

"Don't hit your sister with a dump truck!"
"Are you licking his feet?"
"Why is this damp?"
"Who smeared peanut butter on this pillow case?"
"Stop calling your brother 'Jeeves'! He is not your butler!"

And on and on and on. And on.

Some days I have to call my mother and apologize for being 7...  Some days I want to call my brother and apologize for the time I hit him with a chair.  (An incident my mother caught on tape.)  Of course, then I remember that he gave as good as he got.

And as I write this, I can hear a fight erupting in the other room...

Serenity now.

I want need desperately need a vacation.

At the very least, I would like to take a long uninterrupted bath.  Some days I would settle for the ability to pee without hearing "MOM!" echoing across the abyss.

I am a single mother, and there are days I would absolutely kill for a smallish break.  Today included.

I never really understood how hard a single parent (mom or dad) has it in this world until I became one.  There are things that I took for granted when my husband was around.  Things like someone else to get the fifth glass of milk, or check the closet for monsters, or be the disciplinarian.

Nowadays, I wear all the hats.  I am the fixer of things, the kisser of boo-boos, the goofy one, the strict one, the grounder and taker of privileges, the cool play hooky parent.  I am constantly amazed by my own ability to adapt and change and roll with the punches.  Even when one child is literally punching the other.

Serenity now.

When I had a partner to help, I sometimes fell victim to the hyperbole that affects all of us from time to time.  I would absolutely lament when he would go on a trip, or be out of the house for one reason or another.  I would cry and whine to everyone how hard it was to be alone.  How I felt like a single mom.

If this me could go back in time and just slap some sense into that me.

Kiddos, if you have a partner, even if they are out of town a LOT, even if they work insanely crazy hours and it seems like you NEVER see them, you are still NOT a single mom.  Not even close.

I would like your indulgence to explain, because I feel like my friends are going to take offense.  Because some of you have had that same lament.  Some of you have posted about your temporary single parent status because you want all of us to applaud your selflessness in the face of the worst kind of adversity imaginable because your partner is OUT OF TOWN!

I know how that feels. Remember, I was you.  I really really was.  I am embarrassed now to admit it.  But I was you.  I thought I understood how hard it must be for a single mom.

Girlfriend, no.  Just no.

You still have your partner!  You still have their emotional and financial support.  You can call them and complain about how your children turned into little monsters and you will get a sympathetic ear.  You can call them and tell them a funny thing that junior did that no one else on this earth would care about and you will get, at the very least an appreciative chuckle.

Do you know what I get?  Crickets.

The most important thing that I need you to remember is that you have an end date.  You can circle a date on the calendar no matter how far into the future that says that the other parent is coming back.

For me, and for a lot of other single parents out there, there is no end.  It just goes on and on and on.  And on.  And on.

For real.  The only time I am alone is when I am driving to work or home.  After that, it is kids kids and more kids.  I make kid friendly meals and see kid friendly movies and watch kid friendly television.  We go to kid friendly activities.  I do not adult anymore.  I don't have the time or the resources.  I have no second income, no support.  Just little ol' me and my little ol' check and my little ol' time.

One day I told my parents (married for 48 years) how I felt, and I joked that I really needed a break.  (Ok, it was half joke.  The other half was me crossing my fingers that they would agree to take the kids for the weekend and spot me gas money so that I could drive my ass to the coast and drink with my brother...  This did not happen.)

My dad looked at me and said "Your mother and I never got a break.  You went every place that we went."

First of all, no.  I remember being left in the care of my grandmother or aunt while my parents went someplace adult.  Second of all, I really just need an evening to not have someone getting sticky shit on my good work shoes.  I would like 2 hours to go to a salon and get my hair done.  45 minutes for a coffee and doughnut that I don't have to share, and a grown up movie at a theater with MY OWN POPCORN.  Heaven.

What was my point?

Ah.  My point is, if you know a single parent, cut them some slack.  Maybe offer to take their little brats adorable children for an evening so that they can have a glass of wine without having someone knock the glass onto the floor that I just mopped... I swear to all that is holy if you don't stop fighting!

And maybe be thankful for the partnership that you share.  Because it takes a village, and in a village with only one grown up, the children have me out numbered and I could really use an alliance to help restore the balance of power.  (Send help).

For now, I drew my own serenity, since finding it with the children is a near impossible feat.  (Unless they are sleeping, then they are absolutely adorable angels, and can do no wrong.)

Serenity, soft pastels on paper.

Serenity now.

Insanity later.