The 30 Day Art Challenge, Day 3 - Darkness

Day 3 is upon us, and I have started the day with a wicked head cold.

Head colds do not leave me.  They hang on and on and on... Eventually they settle in my chest and for the past several years, have landed me in the hospital. 

Every. Stinking. April.

So I am aggressively fighting back against the congestion monster with over the counter decongestant, hot tea with honey and a natural version of Vicks. (Except, I am not using my chest rub at work, because... well, it stinks, unless you are congested...)

Last night, I had a choice to make.  Draw, and draw quickly, or take a one day hiatus two days into my challenge.  I do not want to quit, so I decided I needed to draw quickly.

Here is where we are:
30 Day Art Challenge:

1. Flight
2. Dreams or Dreamscape
3. Darkness
4. Character
5. Love
6. Motherhood
7. Nature
8. Movement
9. Astrology
10. Harmony
11. Technology
12. Lightness
13. Water
14. Sweet
15. Out of Time
16. Reflections
17. Purity
18. Solitude
19. Freedom
20. Joy
21. Mystery
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy
24. Companion
25. Abstract
26. Modern
27. Wish
28. Happiness
29. Comfort
30. Self

Darkness.  

Awesome.  It may be inadvisable to confront your demons when hopped up on decongestants and generally feeling like a limp noodle.

If you have read my first blog entry, or if you know me at all, you know that while art has always been a part of my life, it has taken on a new importance since the sudden death of my husband.  Art has been the analgesic that has allowed me to fight past the darkness that can overwhelm me at times.  I have used art to sketch out my feelings, to find some beauty in what had become an exceedingly painful reality.

(An aside, if you will...  There are a few voices I can hear in my head right now positively screeching at me some variation of "What about your children?!!??!"  - Yes, my children are beautiful, and yes, my children are the best balm there is... but... we are ALL going through our own grief, and I knew that if I could not find my way out without relying solely on them, we would all get lost...  So if you are reading this, cut me some slack, would ya? -- Rant over.)

So here I am, confronting darkness in art.

I thought about something really trite, like a night sky, or a moon... maybe a candle lighting a dark room.  But, 1) I am trying to stretch myself, and 2) I was really feeling like I needed to lay down very quickly, so I decided to stop dancing around the idea and confront it head on.

Darkness is not just a physical absence of light.  It is not a dark room, or a place where you can flip on a switch and banish it for good.  For me, darkness is chaos.  It is that feeling of uncontrollable falling.  It is the sound of fresh grief bouncing off the walls of my mother's house.  It is the unfathomable look of sadness in the eyes of my children, with no way to ease their pain.  Darkness can consume you if you are not careful, and I am the first to admit that it has at times come very close to swallowing me whole.

Darkness is feeling like you are falling out of your skin, like you can make no sense, like you can see no light.  There is nothing but a jumbled, horrible void, and your voice becomes a very tiny fragment in a very big chasm.  There is a way out, always, but it is not always easy to find, and if you stay too long, eventually you will stop looking.

All of this.

There have been various parts of my life where I have felt Darkness try to envelop me.  I have gone through things that I know could have bested me, but I have always come out on top.  Last year was the closest I have ever come to having that inky blackness become permanent.

This is how I felt:

Darkness Colored Pencils on Paper

Yes, she still has her color, and there is a small point of light in her eyes, but she is made up of chaos, and she could fly apart at any moment.

Thankfully, she is there to keep me from joining her, standing as a silent sentinel keeping me from losing my way in a place so dark nothing can escape.