30 Day Art Challenge, Day 17 and 18

When I started this art challenge, I didn't realize that I would be as busy as I have been in the past weeks.  After getting over this cold, I have suddenly been inundated with all kinds of personal type things that have kept me out late, up past a reasonable hour, and busier than I have been in a long while...

However I have still managed to find a bit of time to get this challenge done.  Keeping up on the blog, however has proven a bit harder.

So here is a recap for those keeping score:

30 Day Art Challenge

1. Flight 
2. Dreams or Dreamscape 
3. Darkness 
4. Character 
5. Love 
6. Motherhood 
7. Nature 
8. Movement 
9. Astrology 
10. Harmony 
11. Technology 
12. Lightness 
13. Water 
14. Sweet 
15. Out of Time 
16. Reflections 
17. Purity 
18. Solitude 
19. Freedom 
20. Joy 
21. Mystery 
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy 
24. Companion 
25. Abstract 
26. Modern 
27. Wish 
28. Happiness 
29. Comfort 
30. Self

Day 17 - Purity and Day 18 - Solitude.

Purity. 

This one was a bit of a challenge.  My first thought was snow.  "Pure as the freshly fallen snow" and all of that.  But, confession?  I am terrible at drawing and interpreting snow.  It usually just ends up looking like my paper got smudged and dirty.

So instead I went with a "white" rose.  Because we all know I love color and nothing in my world is photo real, I went all abstract-impressiony.

Purity, Watercolor on Paper

I have been trying all kinds of new techniques with my watercolors lately.  I don't normally paint wet on wet, mostly because I don't normally have paper good enough to stand up to that much water.  So I have learned to compensate...  However, I have wanted to really expand on my abilities during this challenge.  Thanks to an excellent sale at my favorite hobby/art store, I was able to get 140 lb cold press paper.  It is not the highest quality paper, but for learning, it will do.

I still had a problem with pooling, but I think next time I will pre-stretch my paper and see if that helps.  

I used wet on wet washes in violets and blues, using a paper towel to blot out some of the color and exaggerate the ombre effect.  The bright white spots are the result of a not too great cell camera picking up some random highlights.  (Note to self, make a camera or scanner your next big purchase).

Day 18 - Solitude

More watercolor.  

Solitude, Watercolor on paper.

I wanted to try the technique of using salt in watercolor for this one.  I like the effect, but next time I might reserve it for a snowy sky, or use a lot less liberally if I am attempting a field of stars again.

I want to keep learning, and eventually, I want to pass on that which I have learned. (To paraphrase from a great Jedi Master. (May the 4th be with you!)

Tomorrow - Freedom.  I have some ideas.  But I also have a ton to do... so here's hoping that I don't draw myself into a corner.

30 Day Art Challenge, Day 16 - Reflections

Today's theme is reflections.

First, here is a reminder of where we are.

30 Day Art Challenge

1. Flight 
2. Dreams or Dreamscape 
3. Darkness 
4. Character 
5. Love 
6. Motherhood 
7. Nature 
8. Movement 
9. Astrology 
10. Harmony 
11. Technology 
12. Lightness 
13. Water 
14. Sweet 
15. Out of Time 
16. Reflections 
17. Purity 
18. Solitude 
19. Freedom 
20. Joy 
21. Mystery 
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy 
24. Companion 
25. Abstract 
26. Modern 
27. Wish 
28. Happiness 
29. Comfort 
30. Self

Day 16 - Reflections.

Today's theme  is fairly straight forward, so I chose for my subject a straight forward swan on a lake.

My parents live on a golf course community in the middle of a desert, and they have several artificial lakes.  The one that I like the best sits at the front of the complex, and is inhabited by several swans.

I love the way the water ripples around them as they glide along.  I love the way lakes always seem to have leaves and petals and floating bits of down.  It always looks to me like the swans (or ducks or geese) have thrown a party. The water is never blue, but murky, browns and greens and reflecting the sky and every piece of plant life in greens and yellows and lavenders.

I love the way swans necks curve and the way they always seem just on the edge of taking flight.

I used oil pastels and borrowed some of the same layering techniques I used yesterday on the Impressionist painting.  All in all, I like the way it came out.

Reflections, Oil Pastels on Paper

More than that, though, I spent a great deal of time last night reflecting on my own life.  I had a bad day yesterday.  (Bad.  Bad.  Bad.)  It wasn't the worst day by a long shot (as I was accused of claiming... no... I have lived the worst day, and I wouldn't wish that on another soul on earth.)  But it was bad.  Bad enough to make my depression worse and leave me on the porch, shivering and crying and wondering where it all went wrong.

As I reflected, I came to several conclusions.

1) I do not need to listen to ANYONE about my life.  It is what it is.  I do the best I can.  If this is not good enough, too bad.  I have to live with me, and my kids have to live with me.  No one else has any right to say any thing about it.

2) I need a new situation (job) before I lose what little patience I have left.  I get talked down to and mansplained to on a regular basis.  It is bullying and it is frustrating and it is exhausting.  I am tired of being the target of petty misogyny and juvenile tantrums. It makes me feel worse about everything.

3) I am decent. I am good and I am talented.  I have something to offer.  I am so much more than the sum of my parts.  It doesn't matter if I am ever a size 2.  It doesn't matter if I ever make a million dollars.  What matters is that I recognize that I have value and that I pass it down to my children.

4) I have my own talents and I don't need anyone to validate them.  I have spent so many years looking outside of myself for the slightest bit of substantiation.  I have wasted so much energy caring what others think.  I allow myself to get wounded when carelessly spoken words are aimed my way.  Whatever the intention of the words, whatever they meant, I do not have to allow myself to be hurt and hurt again.

So that is what became of my reflection.  A swan was the perfect choice for me.  I was an ugly little duckling, but I am finally, finally growing out of my awkwardness and settling into my grace, accepting my beauty and learning to love who I am and what I can do.

Tomorrow - Purity.

30 Day Art Challenge, Day 15 - Out of Time

 30 Day Art Challenge

1. Flight 
2. Dreams or Dreamscape 
3. Darkness 
4. Character 
5. Love 
6. Motherhood 
7. Nature 
8. Movement 
9. Astrology 
10. Harmony 
11. Technology 
12. Lightness 
13. Water 
14. Sweet 
15. Out of Time 
16. Reflections 
17. Purity 
18. Solitude 
19. Freedom 
20. Joy 
21. Mystery 
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy 
24. Companion 
25. Abstract 
26. Modern 
27. Wish 
28. Happiness 
29. Comfort 
30. Self 

Day 15 - Out of Time

I have to admit that I may have stretched a little on this one.

Since this challenge requires simplicity, some of my initial ideas were over the top complicated.  Victorian ladies posing for selfies, or a motorcyclist jousting.. people who had fallen out of time.  While this might be a fun idea to explore when I have more time to devote to a drawing, they wouldn't work for this.

Then I thought about time running out... literally being out of time.  Or being stuck outside of time while it moves around you. I started to imagine how it would be to see time running short, or to be displaced outside of the normal movement of things and having time move too fast or too slow.  Having time run backwards or stop completely.

And I started to go dark.

There is nothing wrong with darkness in art, in fact, some of my pieces (that no one will likely ever see) are full of darkness and madness and chaos.  When I feel bottomed out by life, I draw it out, or I know that it will overwhelm me.

This only works if I am already in a very dark place and I need to work my way out of it.  If I need to exorcise my demons before they posses me fully.  I have been wickedly depressed lately.  Not enough to need to see someone, but enough to know that purposefully taking myself someplace dark is not a good idea.  Art is supposed to be my therapy, and putting more darkness in seems counter intuitive.  And I did not want to push myself into a place I did not want to go.

So I cheated.

I decided to re-interpret today's challenge topic so that I could comfortably draw it.

Today, instead of out of time, I decided to go back in time. Back to the turn of the 20th century.  1900.  I went back to learn from a master - Edgar Degas.

I adore Degas. I always have. I love impressionist works, how they flow freely, the use and play of colors, not blended, not smooth, but broken.  Form without definite structure.  Flow and movement without being bogged down by the minutia of detail.  When I would visit the art museum or read books, I would get lost in the worlds of Renior or Monet, and especially Degas.

Dancers at the Barre, Oil Pastels on Paper with apologies to Edgar Degas

I learned to draw by seeing objects as shapes.  It took me a long time to be able to break away from doing everything realistic.  I had art teachers who loathed anything that showed any individualism, so for years my art was static, realistic, but flat.

When I started expressing myself, when I started to lean more toward my own aesthetic, I felt more at ease with what I drew.  I wasn't boxed into someone else's idea of what art should be.  I bent more toward surreal and impressionistic works.  I lived in abstract notions of shape and color.  And I felt more at home.

I imagine that this is how the impressionists must have felt.  They defied the conventions of art and explored color and light, movement and flow, shape and form.  They threw off the shackles of convention and painted what they felt.  They saw the world with poetic eyes and gave that gift to the world.

So today I pay homage to Edgar Degas and Dancers at the Barre.  The image is simple and beautiful.  It is full of color and light and movement.  It was drawn with oil pastels on textured pastel paper.  I used loose strokes of color to fill in the areas and layered.  In the spirit of the impressionist movement, nothing was blended. Color was added on top of color, layer by layer until I achieved the depth and richness of tone that I wanted.

I need to remember who I am sometimes.  I need to stay and remain true to my own vision of the world.  It is too easy for me to get derailed by someone else's expectations for me and for my art.  I was as content as I could be as I worked on this piece, curled up in my favorite chair.  And I love it, and I don't care if anyone else ever does.  It resonated with me on a deeply personal level.  And that, after all, is the point of art.  

I might have been happier in a different time, living in the moment, my paint brush in my hand.  Life is too complex.  We get too bogged down in the minutia of everyday. I would be happier if I could let go of the structure and form and just flow, colors to canvas, moment to moment, and step out of the rigidity of time.

30 Day Art Challenge Days 11-14

Once again, I find myself playing catch-up.
But I am finally over the wicked cold, and hopefully I can keep myself on a schedule.
Without further ado, Here is the continuation of the 30 Day Art Challenge:
To recap:
 30 Day Art Challenge

1. Flight 
2. Dreams or Dreamscape 
3. Darkness 
4. Character 
5. Love 
6. Motherhood 
7. Nature 
8. Movement 
9. Astrology 
10. Harmony 
11. Technology 
12. Lightness 
13. Water 
14. Sweet 
15. Out of Time 
16. Reflections 
17. Purity 
18. Solitude 
19. Freedom 
20. Joy 
21. Mystery 
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy 
24. Companion 
25. Abstract 
26. Modern 
27. Wish 
28. Happiness 
29. Comfort 
30. Self 

So I have 4 to get through today.
Day 11 - Technology.

This one was hard.  The first piece I did was a take on Medusa with USB cables instead of snakes as hair, however after the third person asked me what was on her head, I changed tactics.  I still think Medusa is a decent idea.
I had also sketched out a cartoon with a cellphone instead of a head, but that one terrified my daughter, so I went with plan c.

Technology, Digital Drawing

This drawing was done on my cellphone using a free app called PaperDraw.  I don't have a stylus, so I had to use my finger.  After several failed attempts at smooth lines using my finger on my rather cheap cell, I decided to just go with what works.

The convergence of art and technology.  I might investigate the app a bit more.  It might be worth it to keep sketch or concept ideas on the phone.  I am a bit old fashioned still, though.  I like my paper journals.

Next, Day 12 - Lightness.
Ok, Light.
So, on this one, I went dark.   The light for me really contrasts with the darkness around it.

Enchanted, Soft Pastels on Paper

It felt like a fairy tale.  I will probably use this idea to illustrate my daughter's story that she is diligently working on.

Day 13 - Water

I got home super late the other night, and realized that not only had i not done my sketch, but most of my art supplies were left at my mom's house. (I had so many good intentions when I packed that bag)...  Instead I spent four hours grooming the dog and didn't draw a thing. Granted he is an awfully cute dog, especially when he is clean and clipped.

Time Stealing Dog -- Still a cutie.

So I used my daughter's supplies (with her permission).

Water, Soft Pastels on Paper

For this one, I followed an online tutorial.  It was fun.  I have never drawn anything like that before.

I was a bit more limited because I didn't have all of the colors I normally would, but I do like the way it came out, even without my own supplies.  Honestly I will definitely work on this style a bit to see what else I can get.

Day 14 - Sweet

Initially I had wanted to draw a piece of highly detailed candy, all of the contours and colors... but my mind went to another interpretation of sweet.

Again, online tutorials are my friend.  I will find links and post them below when I am at my home computer.

Sweet, Oil Pastels and Colored Pencils on Paper

Now when I look at this image, especially after the day I had, I want to jump in and sit on that swing in the moonlight.  I also want to get another kitten, but that is a subject for another day.

So there we go.  All caught up again.
Tomorrow, Day 15!  Half way!!!

Out of time.  (OK... that is going to be a challenge.....)

30 Day Art Challenge - the catch up post

So, I have been lax about keeping up with my blog.  I have kept up with my challenge, but not the blog itself.  This cold has really sucker punched me.

But this has given me a chance to really think about what this blog is supposed to be.  I started it without a clear vision of what it can and should be.   I have a lot of things on my mind, and I have a lot on my plate, so I need to take some time to focus on one thing at a time.

So this blog is going to be the home for my art.  For inspirations, for tutorials (as much as I can), for inspirations from other artists.  I have seen so many amazing things across the web, that I want to focus my efforts on this one front.  (Other things may come at a later time, but for now, I have just a few hours in my week that are free...  )

For the next several days, I have my art challenge to complete. 

 30 Day Art Challenge

1. Flight 
2. Dreams or Dreamscape 
3. Darkness 
4. Character 
5. Love 
6. Motherhood 
7. Nature 
8. Movement 
9. Astrology 
10. Harmony 
11. Technology 
12. Lightness 
13. Water 
14. Sweet 
15. Out of Time 
16. Reflections 
17. Purity 
18. Solitude 
19. Freedom 
20. Joy 
21. Mystery 
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy 
24. Companion 
25. Abstract 
26. Modern 
27. Wish 
28. Happiness 
29. Comfort 
30. Self 

Wow. I did fall behind, didn't I?  Well, without further ado, here are the missing days and a bit of info on each.

Day 6 - Motherhood.

Motherhood, Soft Pastels on Paper.

When trying to figure out how to represent the idea of motherhood in art, I wanted to keep it universal and graphic.  I didn't want to represent just one aspect of motherhood or seem to limit my subject by color or nationality.  Motherhood is universal and as such deserves a universal symbol.

This is based on a clip art idea that i had seen ages ago.  I used black paper so that the colors would really be bold.  I tend to either use a ton of color, or go stark with all black or white.  I chose soft pastels because they can be so vivid and bright, and because they blend so seamlessly.

To get the framed effect, I played with the masking tape on the paper, adding a second layer to protect the sheet underneath from smudges.

Next we have to move on to Day 7, Nature.

Nature, Mixed Media

This piece nearly killed me.  I had this idea to do a water color turtle which I really, really love, and I wanted to do it under water with these big splashes of watercolor in blues and teals and greens.

My turtle became a lesson in "Have the right materials for the job".  While I can do fine work with my one little watercolor brush (which frankly is the sketching brush that came with my pallet), I really needed a large brush designed specifically for watercolor in order to achieve the look I had envisioned in my mind.  I absolutely hated it.  But I still loved the turtle..

So I decided to try to save it by coloring the background.  Again, right material for the job would have helped me enormously here.  Having some really awesome art markers or even a decent sharpie might have saved me the aggravation.  Instead I used pastels (because my supply chest is rather limited at the moment).  Instead of the vibrant water I had in my head, it looked muddy, like he was swimming in a swamp drawn my my seven year old.  

Of course, I still loved my turtle, and I had spent so much time getting that shell just right.  I absolutely refused to abandon it.  

Enter my chest of jewelry making supplies, some adhesive and a piece of black paper.  I believe that I saved it enough that I can once again be proud of the piece.  I do need to trim the edges a bit more (one of my lovely children has broken my decent scissors, so I was forced to use safety scissors on thick watercolor paper.  Once again, have the right materials for the job.)

Moving on.. 

Day 8 - Movement.

Movement Soft Pastels on Paper

This is not my best.  There are several things that I would change if I could.  At this point I believe that the cold was winning and all I wanted to do was sleep.

I like the concept though, and I really love the hand reaching out from under the sand on the top of the hour glass. 

I may redo this one at some point and take a lot more time with it.

This brings me to Day 9, Astrology

Astrology, Watercolor, Colored Pencils and Acrylics on Paper

There are a number of things that I liked on this piece.  I love the way her complexion came out using the watercolors.  This is the first time I have really tried to use the watercolors to paint a person.  I think I need some more practice, but I plan to try this again.

I love the background too, but I think I am way too afraid of using black to convey a universe theme.  I need to play with that idea more so that I can get the right balance.

And finally, Day 10 Harmony

Harmony, Colored Pencils on Paper

This is one of my favorite pieces.  I took the theme of Harmony and decided that I would play it two ways.  The first is obvious, a violin (harmony, music -duh!)  The second is the idea of colors in harmony with one another in circles (which are very harmonious shapes!).  (Perfect circles in my mind, but not in practice - hey! I only have 45 minutes or so for each piece).

I used shades of blue and violet for the body of the instrument, greens for the neck and strings, and reds and corals for the background.  There are no lines in this image.  The shape comes from the color groupings alone.  I love this idea.

I shaded each circle to give it a more dimensional effect.  Given more time, I might have made the circles smaller (and more perfect - because perfectionist).  I would also have burnished them to give them that velvety smooth sheen that colored pencil drawings often have.  I think having that difference in texture between the paper with no color and the bright circles with their burnished sheen would take this piece that one step further.  I am definitely going to try this style again.  I really really enjoyed this.

That's it - all caught up. 

Tomorrow, Technology.

Oh boy.  That one is going to be tough.

30 Day Art Challenge, Day 5 - Love

This cold will not leave. So I am keeping it short today.

 30 Day Art Challenge

1. Flight 
2. Dreams or Dreamscape 
3. Darkness 
4. Character 
5. Love 
6. Motherhood 
7. Nature 
8. Movement 
9. Astrology 
10. Harmony 
11. Technology 
12. Lightness 
13. Water 
14. Sweet 
15. Out of Time 
16. Reflections 
17. Purity 
18. Solitude 
19. Freedom 
20. Joy 
21. Mystery 
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy 
24. Companion 
25. Abstract 
26. Modern 
27. Wish 
28. Happiness 
29. Comfort 
30. Self 

Love.

Today's piece is inspired by my son and his disgusting ratty stuffed panda. (I mean this thing stinks! It is grey and tattered, the black fur around his eyes has worn off so the stuffed animal looks permanently surprised.... You know what? I am going to include the inspiration too... Because there are no words.)

But if you were to ask him what he sees when he looks at his panda, he will tell you that he is a majestic beast, roaming the apartment when we are gone, frequently taking trips to his native China to lounge in a bamboo forest. He sees beauty and majesty where most people see nothing but a stuffed toy that has seen better days.

And that, my friends is love. When you love someone so much that you only see their beauty and are blind to their tattered edges, that is the purest affection. May we all see the world with his eyes.

 30 Days of Art, Day 5 - Love, watercolor on paper.

Love, Watercolor on paper

Panda Express, Adventurer and Friend

Tomorrow is Motherhood, which to me is just an extension of the theme of love.

30 Day Art Challenge, Day 4 - Character

I have been sick as a dog for the past few days.  This head cold is threatening to do me in, but I am persisting. (I am nothing if not persistent.)

Today is Day 4 of the 30 Day Art Challenge.

30 Day Art Challenge:

1. Flight
2. Dreams or Dreamscape
3. Darkness
4. Character
5. Love
6. Motherhood
7. Nature
8. Movement
9. Astrology
10. Harmony
11. Technology
12. Lightness
13. Water
14. Sweet
15. Out of Time
16. Reflections
17. Purity
18. Solitude
19. Freedom
20. Joy
21. Mystery
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy
24. Companion
25. Abstract
26. Modern
27. Wish
28. Happiness
29. Comfort
30. Self

Character.  

Nothing heavy, or soul sapping today.  Just, character.

Of course, like all things, there are different ways to interpret this word.  Character can mean the make up of a person; that intangible thing that everyone has that drives them and shapes them into the people that they are.  There are people of stout moral character and those who might be considered shady characters.  There are a million variables,

Next...

Character can mean a shape or form, like a letter.  I could draw a fanciful character like one might see in a medieval book, painstakingly drawn by artists who likely couldn't even read.  😲  Maybe not.

Of course when you say character to most people, they immediately think of a character in literature or a play, movies or television.  When I told my kids what today's challenge was, they immediately started shouting out the names of their favorite characters.  (My son and I have one that is the same...  wait for it.)

So, it may have been more challenging to dive into the more intangible definition, or more classically artistic to attempt some kind of calligraphy, I am too sick and too exhausted to think much. 

So of course, I am going to go for a character.  And since it is a quick sketch, it will have to be something more graphic with a lot less realism.  And I think I want to have fun with this.

When you are referencing a character in a drawing, the important things to include are the things that are immediately recognizable about your subject.  If you were drawing Harry Potter, you would need to include his round glasses and his lightening bolt scar.  If you wanted to draw Spock, pointy ears would be a must.  Say you wanted to draw Doctor Who... You can draw the exact same figure with different accessories and change the picture completely.....

Like say, the 11th Doctor...

The Doctor, Colored Pencil on Paper

It's a fez.  I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool.

And the fez (and the bow-tie, if we are being honest) is what makes him immediately identifiable...  If I drew a long endless wildly colored scarf and a fedora instead, different Doctor.  Red-lined black jacket and sunglasses? Different Doctor. Glasses, pinstripe suit and chucks? Different Doctor.  Black vest and a blaster at his side - Han Solo.  

You get the idea.

I want to revisit this one again...  Evidence of my exhaustion, I chose the wrong paper for the medium, I got tired after trying to blend, and the pencil lines are glaringly obvious.  I was too tired to trek all the way across the room for a marker to outline him...  There are a dozen little things I would do different, but all in all, not bad for a quick assignment.

Maybe I should do a series of these -- 12 so far...  Hmmm...  At least it would make my fellow geeks happy.

For now, I am glad that I had fun.  I hope you do too.  Art doesn't always have to be so serious, you know.  Sometimes, it should just be fun.

The 30 Day Art Challenge, Day 3 - Darkness

Day 3 is upon us, and I have started the day with a wicked head cold.

Head colds do not leave me.  They hang on and on and on... Eventually they settle in my chest and for the past several years, have landed me in the hospital. 

Every. Stinking. April.

So I am aggressively fighting back against the congestion monster with over the counter decongestant, hot tea with honey and a natural version of Vicks. (Except, I am not using my chest rub at work, because... well, it stinks, unless you are congested...)

Last night, I had a choice to make.  Draw, and draw quickly, or take a one day hiatus two days into my challenge.  I do not want to quit, so I decided I needed to draw quickly.

Here is where we are:
30 Day Art Challenge:

1. Flight
2. Dreams or Dreamscape
3. Darkness
4. Character
5. Love
6. Motherhood
7. Nature
8. Movement
9. Astrology
10. Harmony
11. Technology
12. Lightness
13. Water
14. Sweet
15. Out of Time
16. Reflections
17. Purity
18. Solitude
19. Freedom
20. Joy
21. Mystery
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy
24. Companion
25. Abstract
26. Modern
27. Wish
28. Happiness
29. Comfort
30. Self

Darkness.  

Awesome.  It may be inadvisable to confront your demons when hopped up on decongestants and generally feeling like a limp noodle.

If you have read my first blog entry, or if you know me at all, you know that while art has always been a part of my life, it has taken on a new importance since the sudden death of my husband.  Art has been the analgesic that has allowed me to fight past the darkness that can overwhelm me at times.  I have used art to sketch out my feelings, to find some beauty in what had become an exceedingly painful reality.

(An aside, if you will...  There are a few voices I can hear in my head right now positively screeching at me some variation of "What about your children?!!??!"  - Yes, my children are beautiful, and yes, my children are the best balm there is... but... we are ALL going through our own grief, and I knew that if I could not find my way out without relying solely on them, we would all get lost...  So if you are reading this, cut me some slack, would ya? -- Rant over.)

So here I am, confronting darkness in art.

I thought about something really trite, like a night sky, or a moon... maybe a candle lighting a dark room.  But, 1) I am trying to stretch myself, and 2) I was really feeling like I needed to lay down very quickly, so I decided to stop dancing around the idea and confront it head on.

Darkness is not just a physical absence of light.  It is not a dark room, or a place where you can flip on a switch and banish it for good.  For me, darkness is chaos.  It is that feeling of uncontrollable falling.  It is the sound of fresh grief bouncing off the walls of my mother's house.  It is the unfathomable look of sadness in the eyes of my children, with no way to ease their pain.  Darkness can consume you if you are not careful, and I am the first to admit that it has at times come very close to swallowing me whole.

Darkness is feeling like you are falling out of your skin, like you can make no sense, like you can see no light.  There is nothing but a jumbled, horrible void, and your voice becomes a very tiny fragment in a very big chasm.  There is a way out, always, but it is not always easy to find, and if you stay too long, eventually you will stop looking.

All of this.

There have been various parts of my life where I have felt Darkness try to envelop me.  I have gone through things that I know could have bested me, but I have always come out on top.  Last year was the closest I have ever come to having that inky blackness become permanent.

This is how I felt:

Darkness Colored Pencils on Paper

Yes, she still has her color, and there is a small point of light in her eyes, but she is made up of chaos, and she could fly apart at any moment.

Thankfully, she is there to keep me from joining her, standing as a silent sentinel keeping me from losing my way in a place so dark nothing can escape.

The 30 Day Art Challenge Day 2 - Dreams

I survived day one, and I have to say, I enjoyed my hummingbird. Today, though took me some time to work out

Today's theme is Dreams.  30-45 minutes. Draw something that matches the theme. Use the first idea that comes to mind. (Do NOT overthink!)

30 Day Art Challenge:

1. Flight
2. Dreams or Dreamscape
3. Darkness
4. Character
5. Love
6. Motherhood
7. Nature
8. Movement
9. Astrology
10. Harmony
11. Technology
12. Lightness
13. Water
14. Sweet
15. Out of Time
16. Reflections
17. Purity
18. Solitude
19. Freedom
20. Joy
21. Mystery
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy
24. Companion
25. Abstract
26. Modern
27. Wish
28. Happiness
29. Comfort
30. Self

Dreams. Seems simple enough.

I mean, everyone dreams right?

But how do you convey a dream in art? Sweeping mythical landscapes? Escher-like architecture that couldn't possibly exist in life? Melting clocks? Giant floating islands among sweeping clouds?

First of all, these are supposed to be simple studies, not masterpiece level works. And while I can achieve realism (given a LOT of time), I will never be MC Escher, or Dali, or Magritte. 

I needed something that fits my style now. Colorful, simple, elements of primitive...

I think a lot about dreams, believe it or not. When I was a high school adolescent first learning about Freud I became obsessed about learning more about the subconscious mind.  I read all sorts of books about dreams and dream interpretation. Common symbols, and what they might mean.

And dreams can be anything. They can be dark or light, funny or frightening, realistic or so confusing they leave you reeling for days.

Of course, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Then there is the other meaning. Dreams, not as a communication from your subconscious mind, but as desire.  Some people dream of a big house or lots of money.  My dreams tend to be less pedestrian and lean more towards romantic notions of what life can be.

I dream of being a writer.

I dream of being an artist.

I dream of being the architect of my own future.

(Of course, money and a big house would also be nice...)

How do you draw ambition?

I had a feeling I was over thinking things...

Really, there isn't anything that a dream can't be. And that is what makes dreams so amazing. They have no limits, only your imagination, and mine is absolutely infinite in scope. Just like the universe.

Dreams, Colored pencils and acrylic on paper

My dreams can't be contained by a single thought or idea. 

I prefer it that way.

Tomorrow... Ooohhhhh.... Darkness.
Alrighty then

30 Days of Color (The 30 Day Art Challenge) Day 1

Since my life changed dramatically last year, I have been on a journey of sorts.  When you hit rock bottom, the only thing to do is build something new, something stronger.  The rock is the foundation, and the only limits are of your own imaginings.

So I found myself at forty-two years of age, starting life over.

I have done a number of things on this journey.  I have started living healthier and losing weight.  Life is too short to be bogged down with bogus health issues.  Not when some of them are completely within my control.  I have started engaging more on social media, keeping and maintaining connections to my friends, and making new connections.  I have reached out and found new connections to my mother's family, which is one of the most amazing and tremendous things I have discovered.   I have learned that I have cousins that share my world view as well as my bloodline and family history.

I started this blog, and have been writing every single day (not just here, but on project that I had been putting off because "Something more important" was always coming up.)

And I have rediscovered my life in art.

I used to draw.  All. The. Time.  I had sketchbooks on top of sketchbooks.  I doodled and sketched and painted.  I sculpted and learned to make things with wire (like jewelry).  I always had art as a part of my life.

Then I let life get me.  I let the negatives and the sadness and the stress erase the substance of who I am until all that was left was a vague outline.  All of the dimension was gone.

It took my grief to snap me back into myself.

I turned to art as therapy, and in an effort to no longer hide myself, I began putting things out for everyone to see.  To my amazement, people responded positively.  And then something unbelievable happened.

I sold a drawing.  A drawing done by my little hands with pastels on paper.  Something that did not exist until I created it was wanted enough by someone else that they spent their own money to get it.

Real, spendable money.

This had to be a fluke.  No one else is ever going to want to purchase something that I have made.

Then the second piece sold.

You could have knocked me over with a feather.

So now I have this thing that I love, this thing that is so much a part of me that I could no more separate it from myself than I could detach my own head, and this thing has the potential to make money?

Get out of town!

I buckled down and drew more.  I put out more pieces.  I drew and drew and drew...

And then I realized that what I was drawing wasn't exactly resonating with me the way I wanted them to.  I felt that voice of self doubt creep in.  I have to stomp it out.  I have to silence that tiny fiend or I know I will let this go, just like I did before.  I am not living that life any more.  I will not, I cannot.  Not today, sister.

So I decided to stretch my boundaries.  I am working on a 30 day art challenge.  Every day I am going to draw something new... the object is to spend no more than 30-45 minutes on a piece, to push your own boundaries, and to work with the first thing that comes to your mind.

There were several variations on this idea out there on the web, and I decided, like all things, that I had to be different.  The kids helped me come up with words and ideas, and we pulled them out of a hat. (A literal hat).

The 30 Day Art Challenge - Ala Dawn

1. Flight
2. Dreams or Dreamscape
3. Darkness
4. Character
5. Love
6. Motherhood
7. Nature
8. Movement
9. Astrology
10. Harmony
11. Technology
12. Lightness
13. Water
14. Sweet
15. Out of Time
16. Reflections
17. Purity
18. Solitude
19. Freedom
20. Joy
21. Mystery
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy
24. Companion
25. Abstract
26. Modern
27. Wish
28. Happiness
29. Comfort
30. Self

Day one was Flight.  A perfect start.  My life is taking off.  I have wings. I can reach the sun.

Flight, Watercolor and Colored Pencils on paper.

It may have been literal, but it pushed me.  I have never drawn a bird before, much less a bird in flight.

My mother puts out nectar for the hummingbirds.  

I never tire of watching them fly.

Tomorrow, I get to paint my dreams.

It's More Afraid of You and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves

I am a liar.

I tell the same lie to myself daily.  I tell it to my family, my friends, my kids, and everyone who reads my posts. 

I tell myself that other opinions do not matter, and that I don't need validation from anyone.

Hang on, my pants caught fire.

OK.  Better.

I know why we tell ourselves that, at least I know why I tell myself that big fat falsehood.  It is because I want it to be true.  I don't want to hang my hat on the standards of other people.  I want to move through my life, happily enjoying who I am and what I am about without looking for validation anyplace else.  I want my kids to grow up completely fulfilled without needing someone else to tell them that they are ok.

I want that so badly.

But it isn't true, is it?  At least not 100%.  I put on makeup before I leave the house every single time.  No matter where I am going.  Work? Make-up.  Play date for the kids? Make-up. Grocery Store? You had better believe make-up.  I never used to, but then one day someone (that I love and I presume loves me) told me that I looked old.  Ever since that day, no one has seen me without make-up on, except for my kids.  (Believe me, make-up is not always pleasant in Las Vegas where I would swear you could burst into flames in the summertime.)  

You might think that this isn't a big deal, lots of women do it.  Exactly! Lots of women (though not all) make sure to never leave their house without at least a minimum of cosmetics.  Why do we do this if we don't care about what other people think?

You want another example?  Social. Media. Everything from Facebook and Instagram, twitter and even this blog. They are all cries for attention:

Like me!
Like my photos!
Like the photo of my expensive dinner!
Look how awesome my life is!
Validate me!

Validate!

I feel like a Dalek (if you don't watch Doctor Who, this will make no sense.  Everyone else is now hearing a metallic voice in their head crying Val-i-date! Val-i-date!)

So even though I say that I don't care what people think of me, even though I really want to believe that about myself, evidence suggests that in actuality, I do.

This is especially true of creative artist types, like I aspire to be am.  I draw and paint and write and everytime I share something, I hold my breath to see if anyone is going to like it... Every thumbs up or heart that I get is like those gold foil stars that teachers used to hand out in school.  I lived my life trying to collect as many gold foil stars as I could.  Little has changed.

I have worked so hard to develop my own view and style, and I know that it is different than what most other people do.  On one hand, this is amazing, because it means that I have my own voice.  On the other hand, this is terrifying because I have no idea how my drawings or paintings will be received.  Will people respond positively, or will I get criticized because my figures are not realistic.  This thought alone is enough to almost paralyze me.  Some days I have to close my eyes to hit the Share button.  Then I hold my breath and wait.

I can tell you that I have received all kinds of feedback.  Some people really like what I put out there (though there are a few that I suspect like my art because of friendship or familial loyalty only, and don't really respond to the art itself).  And then there are those who are indifferent, will passively click like out of habit, or ignore it altogether.  Neither of these bother me. (and of course, the likes and loves make me feel absolutely amazing.)

Then there is the other kind.  Not kind words, not gentle critique, not even ignoring me completely, but the scathing tear you down kind of comments that make me want to burn everything I have ever painted and never go near a pastel again.  

"It's not really art, is it?"

"What is it supposed to be?"

"Can you even draw?"

"You should probably not share these.  They aren't that good."

I deleted a friend over the last comment, but not before I seriously considered deleting all of my art and throwing away every pencil in my house.

Why do you let it get to you, Dawn?  Why can't you just thumb your nose at these fools and just continue to be awesome on your own terms?

Why?  I will tell you why...  Because my inner critic is a real ass.  My little voice is far harsher and more critical than anyone else could ever be.  The little voice inside of me tells me that I can't draw, I can't write, and I might as well settle in for a long career of mediocrity because that is all I am good for.  All it takes is one person to agree with critical Dawn for me to walk away and give up.

Ask me why I don't play music any more...  Because a music teacher that I very much admired (no names will be mentioned, but she was an instructor in college) once told me that I wasn't very good and I wouldn't amount to much.  At 19, I took those words to heart. From that moment on, every time I picked up my instrument, I could hear those words echoing in my mind, undermining my confidence, triggering all of my insecurities.   It took a few years, but I never was able to progress past that level.  Most likely because I no longer believed I could.

I will be damned if I am going to let that happen to me again.

My knee-jerk reaction is to defend myself and my skills (Actually, I can draw realistically, but I choose not to because this is the way I choose to see the world now...  Actually, I feel that the particular techniques I am using take quite a bit of practice and restraint that it took me a long time to learn... Actually, I produce these paintings for my own satisfaction and I don't need your approval.)

My second reaction is to slink off and take my art with me, to hide it away and just pretend it didn't really exist in the first place.

The third reaction is what I try to do every time.  Ignore the negativity of some people and move on to the next piece, sharing what I love and moving on, as though those negative opinions didn't matter to me (even though, deep down they do.)

I will just leave you with one thought.  If your initial reaction is to tell someone that they can't do something, maybe swallow it.  No one is perfect, and no one really wants to hear unconstructive criticism.

It is just plain mean, like a bully on a playground.  Don't be that kid.  If you don't have anything nice to say, etc.

Kiss, Soft Pastels on paper

But since I can't control anyone but myself, I will try to remember the words of Pink.  I will continue to do me, and if you don't like it, you can Blow Me (One Last Kiss).