30 Day Art Challenge, Day 16 - Reflections

Today's theme is reflections.

First, here is a reminder of where we are.

30 Day Art Challenge

1. Flight 
2. Dreams or Dreamscape 
3. Darkness 
4. Character 
5. Love 
6. Motherhood 
7. Nature 
8. Movement 
9. Astrology 
10. Harmony 
11. Technology 
12. Lightness 
13. Water 
14. Sweet 
15. Out of Time 
16. Reflections 
17. Purity 
18. Solitude 
19. Freedom 
20. Joy 
21. Mystery 
22. Childhood
23. Fantasy 
24. Companion 
25. Abstract 
26. Modern 
27. Wish 
28. Happiness 
29. Comfort 
30. Self

Day 16 - Reflections.

Today's theme  is fairly straight forward, so I chose for my subject a straight forward swan on a lake.

My parents live on a golf course community in the middle of a desert, and they have several artificial lakes.  The one that I like the best sits at the front of the complex, and is inhabited by several swans.

I love the way the water ripples around them as they glide along.  I love the way lakes always seem to have leaves and petals and floating bits of down.  It always looks to me like the swans (or ducks or geese) have thrown a party. The water is never blue, but murky, browns and greens and reflecting the sky and every piece of plant life in greens and yellows and lavenders.

I love the way swans necks curve and the way they always seem just on the edge of taking flight.

I used oil pastels and borrowed some of the same layering techniques I used yesterday on the Impressionist painting.  All in all, I like the way it came out.

Reflections, Oil Pastels on Paper

More than that, though, I spent a great deal of time last night reflecting on my own life.  I had a bad day yesterday.  (Bad.  Bad.  Bad.)  It wasn't the worst day by a long shot (as I was accused of claiming... no... I have lived the worst day, and I wouldn't wish that on another soul on earth.)  But it was bad.  Bad enough to make my depression worse and leave me on the porch, shivering and crying and wondering where it all went wrong.

As I reflected, I came to several conclusions.

1) I do not need to listen to ANYONE about my life.  It is what it is.  I do the best I can.  If this is not good enough, too bad.  I have to live with me, and my kids have to live with me.  No one else has any right to say any thing about it.

2) I need a new situation (job) before I lose what little patience I have left.  I get talked down to and mansplained to on a regular basis.  It is bullying and it is frustrating and it is exhausting.  I am tired of being the target of petty misogyny and juvenile tantrums. It makes me feel worse about everything.

3) I am decent. I am good and I am talented.  I have something to offer.  I am so much more than the sum of my parts.  It doesn't matter if I am ever a size 2.  It doesn't matter if I ever make a million dollars.  What matters is that I recognize that I have value and that I pass it down to my children.

4) I have my own talents and I don't need anyone to validate them.  I have spent so many years looking outside of myself for the slightest bit of substantiation.  I have wasted so much energy caring what others think.  I allow myself to get wounded when carelessly spoken words are aimed my way.  Whatever the intention of the words, whatever they meant, I do not have to allow myself to be hurt and hurt again.

So that is what became of my reflection.  A swan was the perfect choice for me.  I was an ugly little duckling, but I am finally, finally growing out of my awkwardness and settling into my grace, accepting my beauty and learning to love who I am and what I can do.

Tomorrow - Purity.